Perimenopause and the Reorganization of Maternal Identity.

Diego Rivera, Maternidad, Angelina y el niño Diego (Motherhood, Angelina and the Child Diego) (1916)

This Loss Feels Different.

There is a particular kind of grief that emerges in the midst of things going “well.” A child is healthy, developmentally on track, and moving toward greater independence. The family system remains intact. And yet, for many mothers, something quietly but decisively changes. The relational shape of daily life shifts. The closeness that once structured time, attention, and identity loosens.

While not a crisis, it may feel like one and can be deeply felt.

For many women, this transition coincides with perimenopause—a stage marked not only by hormonal changes but by a broader reorganization of self. Roles that once anchored identity begin to change simultaneously: mother, professional, partner, daughter. What had felt familiar becomes less reliable as a point of orientation. The question is no longer simply How do I care for others? but increasingly Who am I becoming now?

From a clinical perspective, two frameworks are especially helpful in naming what you may be experiencing: ambiguous loss and disenfranchised grief.

Pauline Boss introduced the concept of ambiguous loss to describe losses characterized by uncertainty and lack of closure. They are defined as situations in which there is no clear verification of death and no certainty that a person or relationship will return to its former state (Boss, 1999, 2006). Unlike ordinary loss, ambiguous loss resists resolution because the absence is incomplete, shifting, or difficult to locate.

The person is still present, but the relationship as it once existed is not.

Kenneth J. Doka’s concept of disenfranchised grief further explains why this loss can feel so isolating. Disenfranchised grief refers to grief that is not—or cannot be—openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned, or publicly mourned (Doka, 1989, 2002). When grief is disenfranchised, individuals are left without language, ritual, or communal validation, increasing the likelihood that the loss will be minimized, internalized, or carried in silence.

It is grief that grief is not—or cannot be—openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned, or publicly mourned.

Ambiguous Loss & Disenfranchised Grief in a Healthy Transition.

While both concepts are often associated with traumatic circumstances, they are equally relevant to normative parent–child developmental transitions. As children move into middle childhood and adolescence, parents—often mothers—may experience ambiguous loss: The child remains physically present and emotionally connected, yet the relational configuration that once organized daily life begins to change:

Emotional availability shifts. Shared rhythms loosen. Mutual orientation gives way to differentiation.

Because this transition is expected and adaptive, the grief that accompanies it is frequently disenfranchised. There is little cultural permission to mourn when a child is thriving. Parents may feel sadness, longing, or disorientation while simultaneously telling themselves they “shouldn’t” feel this way. The loss has no clear object and no defined endpoint, only a gradual reorganization of intimacy and identity.

Maternal Identity in Middle Life.

From a depth-psychological perspective, these experiences are not signs of pathology or failure. They reflect attachment adapting to developmental reality. The loss is real, even when it is ambiguous. The grief is legitimate, even when it is socially invisible. Naming these processes can reduce shame, support meaning-making, and help parents remain emotionally present rather than defensive or withdrawn.

This is also the stage at which many women begin to notice what was deferred while parenting was most intensive. Professional momentum may have stalled or narrowed. Creative or intellectual longings may re-emerge. Questions of purpose and direction—often amplified by (Peri)Menopause(Post)™—press for attention. The temptation is to move quickly into reinvention. But there is deep value in pausing first to acknowledge what has ended.

Grief that is not recognized has a way of shaping behavior indirectly—through irritability, anxiety, depressive symptoms, withdrawal, or self-criticism. Grief that is named can be worked with. It can be metabolized rather than acted out.

The Super Blue Blood Moon eclipse from California's Trona Pinnacles Desert National Conservation. Original from NASA . Digitally enhanced by rawpixel.

A Writing Invitation.

This is where writing can be particularly supportive.

Research on expressive writing consistently shows that structured journaling can reduce anxiety, depressive symptoms, and distress associated with loss by supporting emotional processing and integration (Pennebaker & Chung, 2011; Smyth & Pennebaker, 2008). From a clinical standpoint, writing offers a contained space to articulate experiences that may not yet have language elsewhere. It allows complexity without requiring resolution.

If you feel drawn to explore this terrain more directly, consider setting aside a small, protected period of time—10 to 15 minutes—once or twice a week. Choose a prompt below or download this handout and write without editing or correcting yourself. The goal is not insight or closure, but honest articulation.

You might begin with one of these:

• What has changed in my relationship with my child that I have not fully acknowledged?

• What do I miss—not about who my child is becoming, but about who I was in that earlier stage of mothering?

• What parts of me feel less needed now, and what feelings does that stir?

• What is asking for attention in the space that has opened?

There is no right way to do this. You may feel relief, sadness, resistance, or very little at all. Each response is valid. Meaning tends to emerge gradually, through repetition rather than revelation.

After writing, take a moment to ground yourself—feel your feet on the floor, notice your breath, and remind yourself that you are allowed to move slowly through this transition.

Understanding parent–child developmental change through the lenses of ambiguous loss and disenfranchised grief does not make the transition easier. But it does make it more intelligible. It allows grief to be acknowledged without being pathologized, and change to be engaged without being rushed. In the season where motherhood and middle life intersect, that recognition alone can be stabilizing.

Notes.

Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous loss: Learning to live with unresolved grief. Harvard University Press.
Boss, P. (2006). Loss, trauma, and resilience: Therapeutic work with ambiguous loss. W. W. Norton & Company.
Doka, K. J. (1989). Disenfranchised grief: Recognizing hidden sorrow. Lexington Books.
Doka, K. J. (2002). Disenfranchised grief: New directions, challenges, and strategies for practice. Research Press.
Pennebaker, J. W., & Chung, C. K. (2011). Expressive writing: Connections to physical and mental health. In H. S. Friedman (Ed.), The Oxford handbook of health psychology (pp. 417–437). Oxford University Press.
Smyth, J. M., & Pennebaker, J. W. (2008). Exploring the boundary conditions of expressive writing: In search of the right recipe. British journal of health psychology, 13(Pt 1), 1–7. https://doi.org/10.1348/135910707X260117