Listening Mindfully: The Second Pillar of Dialogue Therapy.
Lovers by Mikuláš Galanda.
In my recent post on speaking for yourself, I wrote about the quiet radicalism of returning to one’s own inner ground. In Dialogue Therapy for Couples, speaking in the “I-position” is not merely a communication technique—it is an ethical stance.
But there is a second pillar, equally demanding and perhaps even more transformative: Listening mindfully.
If speaking for yourself is the discipline of self-responsibility, mindful listening is the discipline of restraint. It asks us to suspend the reflex to correct, defend, interpret, or counterattack. It asks us to stay.
Listening Is Harder Than It Sounds.
Most couples believe they are listening. What they are often doing instead is:
Preparing a rebuttal
Correcting facts
Waiting for their turn
Mentally withdrawing
Translating the other’s words into old narratives.
Mindful listening interrupts this familiar choreography.
It is rooted in a contemplative stance similar to what Thich Nhat Hanh called “deep listening”—listening not to fix or persuade, but to understand suffering. In Dialogue Therapy, this practice is relational and disciplined. It asks partners to mirror back what they have heard before responding. Not as parroting. Not as compliance. But as evidence of contact.
The Ego Does Not Like This.
From a depth perspective, mindful listening destabilizes the defensive ego.
When our partner speaks, what is activated is not only their words—but our complexes, our attachment history, our unprocessed grief, our father-mother wounds.
Listening mindfully means noticing:
The surge of irritation
The impulse to interrupt
The bodily tightening
The story that begins forming
—and choosing, deliberately, not to act on it.
This is not passivity. It is strength.
Listening as Ethical Containment.
In Dialogue Therapy, partners are asked to reflect back what they heard before offering their own response. The structure is intentional:
Speaker speaks in the I-position.
Listener mirrors back what they heard.
Speaker clarifies or affirms accuracy.
Roles shift.
The discipline slows the nervous system. It reduces projection. It fosters differentiation.
It also exposes how rarely we feel truly heard.
Many relational injuries are not about disagreement. They are about invisibility.
The Shadow in Listening.
There is another layer here that interests me as a depth psychotherapist.
When we listen mindfully, we are often confronted with something uncomfortable: Our partner’s difference.
Their interpretation is not ours.
Their emotional landscape is not ours.
Their memory is not ours.
The temptation is to collapse difference—to insist on sameness or correctness. But individuation, as Jung described it, requires differentiation. The Other must remain Other.
Mindful listening is the practice of tolerating that separateness without annihilating it.
In this sense, listening becomes Shadow work. We meet our need to control, to dominate the narrative, to be right. We notice how quickly we want to reduce complexity to certainty.
And we refrain.
Listening and the Body.
This practice is not only cognitive; it is somatic.
Try this in your next difficult conversation:
Feel your feet on the floor.
Relax your jaw.
Slow your breathing.
Let your shoulders drop.
Then listen.
When the body softens, the mind can follow. When the nervous system settles, curiosity becomes possible.
Why This Matters.
In a culture that rewards speed, certainty, and argument, mindful listening is countercultural.
It fosters:
Emotional regulation
Empathic accuracy
Reduced escalation
Increased intimacy
Greater differentiation
But more than that, it restores dignity.
To be heard accurately is to be recognized.
To listen accurately is to grant recognition.
A Practice Invitation.
This week, experiment with one relational moment.
Instead of responding immediately, say:
“Let me see if I understand what you’re saying…”
Mirror back only what you heard. Not what you inferred. Not what you assume. Only what was spoken.
Notice what shifts.
The Deeper Work.
Speaking for yourself and listening mindfully are not techniques layered on top of a troubled relationship. They are practices that reshape the relational field itself.
When partners learn to:
Contain their projections
Tolerate difference
Regulate their nervous systems
Remain in contact
—something subtle but profound occurs.
The relationship becomes less a battleground of competing narratives and more a shared space of curiosity.
And curiosity, in my experience, is where love matures.
Listening mindfully is not soft.
It is courageous.
Notes.
Young-Eisendrath, P. (2019). Love between equals: Relationship as a spiritual path. Shambhala Publications.
Pieniadz, J., & Young-Eisendrath, P. (2020). Dialogue therapy for couples and real dialogue for opposing sides (1st ed.). Routledge.
If you are interested in exploring Dialogue Therapy for Couples or strengthening mindful listening in your relationship, I welcome you to reach out. This work is disciplined, structured, and deeply transformative—when both partners are willing to practice.
Lisa A. Rainwater, PhD, MA (couns), LCMHC, CCMHC, CCTP, CT is a depth psychotherapist and founder of Rainwater Counseling in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. Licensed in North Carolina, Colorado, and Wisconsin, she works with individuals, couples, and groups.
Lisa worked for five years as a psychosocial oncology counselor at Atrium Health Wake Forest Baptist, where she supported patients, families, caregivers, and providers navigating cancer, loss, and end-of-life transitions. She is a Certified Dialogue Therapist for Couples, Certified Thanatologist, Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, and Eagala-Certified Equine Assisted Psychotherapist, integrating psychoanalytic, mindfulness-based, and experiential approaches to foster healing and reconnection.
Holding a PhD in German and Scandinavian Studies from the University of Wisconsin–Madison and a master’s in Counseling from Wake Forest University, Lisa’s work bridges mythology, depth psychology, and existential meaning-making. She recently completed Finding Ourselves in Fairy Tales: A Narrative Psychological Approach at Pacifica Graduate Institute and continues advanced studies through the Centre for Applied Jungian Studies.
She is licensed to practice in North Carolina, Colorado, and Wisconsin.
