“We are wired for attachment in a world of impermanence. Each attachment that is broken, each change, whether as seemingly insignificant as the pipes of an organ or as profound as the death of a parent is a loss that our “wiring” can scarcely sustain.”

— Robert Niemeyer, PhD

Despair (1938) by Mikulas Galanda. Original public domain image from Webumenia. Digitally enhanced by rawpixel..jpg

Grief is a deeply personal and transformative process. It asks us to confront painful realities, face the emotional turmoil of loss, and redefine our sense of self. When a loved one passes, particularly under traumatic circumstances such as suicide or an unanticipated and sudden death, the path to healing can feel overwhelmingly challenging. For many, the journey through grief follows a complex, nonlinear path where emotions ebb and flow, and the heart often revisits painful memories at unexpected times.

Detachment—A Freudian Approach.

The concept of grief work can be traced back to Sigmund Freud’s 1917 paper, where he introduced the term Trauerarbeit (grief work). Three years later his own experience of grief following the loss of his daughter, Sophie, deeply influenced his understanding of mourning, offering a personal testament to the emotional complexities he theorized in Mourning and Melancholia (1920), and prompting further exploration into the intricate processes of grief that continue to shape contemporary theories today.

In Freud’s later essay he introduced the concept of cathexis—the emotional investment we place in people, objects, or ideas. Freud suggested that mourning is the process through which we gradually withdraw our emotional investment from the lost object, a process he termed decathexis. This withdrawal of emotional energy can be a challenging and painful task, as it involves not only acknowledging the loss but also reworking the emotional ties and finding new ways to relate to the memory of the lost one. Freud believed that for many, this detachment is a struggle, and the process of decathexis is essential for the mourner to adapt and move forward:

Profound mourning, the reaction to the loss of someone who is loved, contains the same painful frame of mind, the same loss of interest in the outside world in so far as it does not recall him the same loss of capacity to adopt any new object of love (which would mean replacing him) and the same turning away from any activity that is not connected with thoughts of him … Reality-testing has shown that the loved object no longer exists, and it proceeds to demand that all libido shall be withdrawn from its attachments to that object. This demand arouses understandable opposition—it is a matter of general observation that people never willingly abandon a libidinal position, not even, indeed, when a substitute is already beckoning to them. [The orders of grief] are carried out bit by bit, at great expense of time and cathectic energy, and in the meantime the existence of the lost object is psychically prolonged. Each single one of the memories and expectations in which the libido is bound to the object is brought up and hypercathected, and detachment of the libido is accomplished in respect of it. Why this compromise by which the command of reality is carried out piecemeal should be so extraordinarily painful is not at all easy to explain in terms of economics. [1]

Continuing Bonds—Contemporary Grief Theories.

Contemporary theories of grief have evolved significantly from traditional models, embracing a more nuanced understanding of the mourning process. These theories reflect the complexity and individuality of grief, acknowledging that it is not a linear experience but rather a multifaceted journey that includes emotional, psychological, and physical dimensions.

Researchers and clinicians now recognize that grief is not just about the detachment from a lost loved one but also about maintaining an ongoing relationship with the deceased. Theories like William Worden’s four tasks of mourning, Robert Niemeyer’s continuing bonds model, and the dual process model of grief by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut all highlight the importance of personal meaning-making, identity reconstruction, and the integration of loss into one’s life. These contemporary frameworks also emphasize that grief is experienced differently by each individual, shaped by personal, cultural, and social factors, allowing for greater flexibility in how grief is understood and processed in therapy.

Edvard Munch, *Møte i verdensrommet*. 1914. ©Edvard Munch / BONO. / The National Museum

The Grief Journey.

Accepting the Reality of the Death.

One of the most challenging aspects of grieving is accepting the reality of the death. Dr. Worden’s first task of mourning highlights how crucial this step is, yet it is often the hardest. For many, the return of painful flashbacks or memories can make this reality feel impossible to accept.

Perhaps the most fundamental method for assisting the bereaved in coming to terms with the loss is to facilitate its retelling, that is, to invite the story of the loss in a ‘holding environment’ that permits its safe articulation, exploration and integration. [2]
~Robert Niemeyer

However, it is important to gently remind ourselves that while our loved one is no longer physically present, their memory, impact, and the essence of their life continue to shape us. The work of acceptance may feel slow and arduous, but each moment spent facing the reality of the death is part of the healing process.

Facing the Pain and Suffering of Your Loss.

Grief is rarely linear, and pain can resurface at unexpected moments, particularly during experiences that were once shared with the loved one. For example, a favorite holiday or tradition may bring with it waves of grief, as certain places or activities remind us of who is now absent. It is essential to recognize that pain is not something to rush through or avoid; rather, it must be faced, step by step, as part of our healing journey. As Dr. Niemeyer notes, grief can create a dynamic, evolving relationship with the deceased. Emotions, even in moments of joy, can coexist with sorrow, and that’s okay. This is a time to sit with the pain, not push it away.

Developing Continuing Bonds with Your Loved One.

Even though your loved one is no longer physically present, it’s vital to understand that the bond does not simply disappear. Dr. Niemeyer’s work emphasizes that continuing bonds are central to healthy grieving. This means finding ways to maintain a connection with the deceased, whether through rituals, cherished memories, or symbolic gestures. Keeping your loved one close in spirit, even in their absence, might include remembering them in a special way during family events, or quietly reflecting on the moments that defined your relationship. These connections are not about holding on to the past but about incorporating their memory into your ongoing life.

In many traditions, such as Judaism, jahrzeit—the anniversary of a loved one’s death—serves as a time to reflect, remember, and honor the deceased. This ritual acknowledges that grief does not have a defined endpoint, but continues in meaningful ways, allowing the bereaved to reconnect with their loss and reaffirm the bond with the loved one. The observance of jahrzeit is a poignant reminder that mourning is an ongoing process, not a finite event.

Reconstructing Your Self-Identity.

Grief is also about personal transformation. As you move forward, your identity will inevitably shift. Losing a loved one, especially a partner, forces a redefinition of self. This process is not easy, but it’s crucial to give yourself the space to redefine who you are without them while honoring the parts of you shaped by your life together. Dr. Worden’s task of reconstructing a new self-identity reminds us that this is a time for self-reflection.

You may occasionally feel childlike a you struggle with your changing identity. You may feel a temporarily heightened dependeence on others as well as helplessness, frustration, inadequacy, and fear. These feelings can be overwhelming and scary, but they are actually a natural response to this important need in mourning. [3]
~ Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD

Time spent in nature, museums, or a short vacation can serve as an opportunity for this type of self-reflection—a chance to honor the past and begin creating a new chapter of your life. You have the power to bring forward the wisdom, strength, and resilience that you have cultivated throughout your relationship.

Finding Meaning and Purpose in Your Loss.

Perhaps one of the most profound and personal aspects of grief is finding meaning in the loss. This is a deeply individual experience that cannot be rushed or forced. In the midst of sorrow, new purposes or insights may emerge.

It is worth underscoring that meaning making in the context of bereavement may predict not only less posttraumatic stress and grief, but also more posttraumatic growth. [2]
~ Robert Niemeyer

Even in small steps, it’s possible to discover new directions and meanings in your life, despite the pain. The work of grief is not just about loss—it’s about transformation. As you continue this journey, holding space for the possibility of finding meaning can provide a sense of hope amidst the suffering.

Reengaging in Life and Relationships.

Lastly, reengaging with life and relationships is part of healing. Dr. Worden’s final task of mourning involves re-engagement, which is not about forgetting the deceased but about embracing life and forming new connections. This is not about replacing what has been lost, but rather about allowing yourself to reconnect with the present and those who care for you. Reengaging does not erase your grief; it simply allows you to integrate it, finding ways to open yourself to new experiences and relationships when you feel ready.

In conclusion, grief is a journey that takes time and patience. By accepting the reality of the death, facing the pain, developing continuing bonds, reconstructing your identity, finding meaning in the loss, and reengaging with life, you are moving through a transformative process. Remember, you do not walk this path alone—many others are on the same journey, and support is always available.

Notes.

[1] Freud, Sigmund. Mourning and Melancholia (1920).

[2] Niemeyer, Robert A. Constructing Meaning in Bereavement. Kissane, D. W., Watson, M., & Kissane, D. W. (Eds.). (2011). Handbook of psychotherapy in cancer care.

[3] Wolfelt, Alan D. Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart. (2021). Companion Press: Colorado.